Relationships and heartbreak are extremely difficult and it’s extremely hard, especially if we struggle with mental illness—whether it’s depression, anxiety, whatever it might be that you’re struggling with—and especially if medication’s involved.
What makes the heartbreak so hard is your life has just been ripped apart. You essentially had a comfort zone. Change is difficult, any kind of change, especially when it involves emotion. Now, all of a sudden your heart is just ripped out of your chest. There’s a hole in your stomach. Your head doesn’t know what’s going on. There’s tears. There’s anger. There’s sadness. There’s hope. There’s doubt. There’s all these different emotions that start going through you and that’s okay. It’s okay to have those emotions. Here’s how to work through that heartbreak.
You Define You
You just don’t want to stay there too long because what happens is they can engulf you. You’ve got to remember that a relationship doesn’t define you. You define you. And we forget that sometimes. You feel that this person was all of your happiness, and that’s not the case.
I’ve been married four times. I’ve been through heartbreak. And I know the pain and I know the suffering. I know how to work through heartbreak. You might say, “But nobody understand what I’m going through.” Bullshit. You know what? We’ve all been there. It’s okay to have that heartbreak, to have that pain. And it’s okay to grieve, because you need to.
There is a loss. There is grieving involved. But you now also have to remember who you are. That you define you. That the relationship doesn’t define you. Who were you before the relationship that attracted somebody to you? What were your goals? What were your passions? How were you? That’s who you have to rediscover.
Take Your Meds
If you’re struggling with mental illness, one of the big things is you can’t forget your meds. You’ve got to set that timer for your meds because, let’s face it, when we’re going through that initial breakup. We’re not eating we’re not taking our meds, we’re not brushing our teeth and this could be for a couple days, it could be for a couple weeks. You’ve got to remember your meds because if you don’t remember your meds it just gets really fucked, and that’s the last thing that you want. You have to remember your meds and keep yourself at least stable.
Redefine Who You Are
So now that you’ve done that, redefine who you are. You know you want to work through this hurt and this heartbreak. Do what you want to do, because I guarantee you in your relationship there were compromises. Maybe you didn’t wear the outfit you loved to wear. Wear that outfit. Maybe there were restaurants where you really loved to eat at, or food that you really loved to eat—food that you never got to during the relationship. Watch the movies that you never got to during the relationship. Go to the places you never got to during the relationship. Do your hobbies that you never got to—whether it was surfing, skateboarding, whatever it was.
Go back to you and do things for you that you enjoyed, things that maybe you lost track of in your relationship because I guarantee there’s a few of them. Again, I’ve been there. There’s no relieving feeling of rediscovering who you are then going out and going, “Man, I miss doing this. I miss this, I miss … oh my God, this was the greatest movie. I can’t believe I miss this movie. I’m so glad I got to catch up on it.” Take some time for yourself, reading books, working on yourself because you were an amazing human being before this relationship. Why are you crumbling? Go back to that person.
There’s More to you Than a Relationship
There’s 7.7 billion people on the planet. 7.7 billion people. Guarantee you there’s going to be a lot out there that like you. There really is. And it’s not hopeless. You know, you have to fight to make it out that front door.
You have to remember that you’re more than that relationship. Positive affirmations help. Goals help. Rediscovering your passions helps. Talking to others helps. When we’re so engulfed in that relationship, we lose track of everything around us and we do drop the balls in certain areas of our lives, and we might drop the balls a little bit after our relationship crumbles. Well, you know what? We pick up the pieces and we go back at it.
Take some time for yourself, to have that self-love, whether it’s taking a walk in the morning, whether it’s taking baths. Whatever it is that you enjoy.
Journal how you feel. Journal your small victories of the day and see yourself growing back to who you were. I guarantee you we’ve all had those friends that were like, “Oh, you were so different when you were with so and so.” Yeah, that’s the case. You were. You changed. And you know what? The relationship wasn’t for you and that’s okay.
You’re going to go through that anger, you’re going to go through that sadness, you’re going to go through that hope, thinking, “Oh my God, maybe we’ll get back together.” You’re going to go through that loss. You’re going to go through all those emotions and it’s going to be a bit of a roller coaster, but it ain’t nothing that you never rode before.
Work on Yourself
Now you know even more of what you want. Start setting your standards. Start setting your boundaries of what you want out of a partner, what you want out of life. How important is the communication? Where did communications break down?
Become a better person. Become a better human being. You can do it. It’s just by working on yourself and using these learning experiences in life and not figuring, “Oh my God, it’s the end of the world.”
The Pain is Temporary
I have so many people who reach out to me that feel that it’s the end of the world and they just got broken up with or they got cheated on, whatever it might be. They text and message, asking how to work through heartbreak. Then a month later they hit me back up and they’re like, “Oh my God, my life is amazing again. I found this new person.”
Yeah, because you move on. That’s life. The pain is temporary. The pain is temporary and you’re going to work through it and you’re going to work through it at your own pace.
When you have lost or when you have grief of any sort, even a relationship loss, grief is at your own pace and you’re not going to really speed it up, you’re not really going to slow it down. It’s going to go at your own pace and you’re going to heal at your own pace and each day’s going to get a little bit better. Celebrate those victories. Celebrate those small victories because you matter.
If I could give anybody any advice on how to work through heartbreak, I’d say, “Love yourself. Do what you want to do. Do you. Do what you enjoy most of all. Find your passions, find your goals, love yourself.” Once you love yourself and once you feel complete inside, you’re going to find the person that complements that and doesn’t tear it down. That’s what you have to remember. That’s what’s important. You’re important. So don’t ever forget that.
Don’t let somebody dictate who you are because you’re a pretty clear badass. You’re a BAMF. You made it through 100% of your worst days. You made it through to today. You got this. Just remember, it’s temporary.